so many updates and it has only been a week!

for one, I am feeling much more at ease about my grandfather's passing.

someone recently asked me how I navigate emotional boundaries and I realized that I'm able to process many things quite efficiently having cultivated many skills. the reality that I played a part — my choosing to not call my grandad sooner — is something that I am able to accept and hold in its proportion. I don't dismiss my decision (there's nothing I could've done), nor do I make it all about my decision (it was my fault). I could've seen my granddad if I had called him sooner and I didn't. that plus things outside of my control (his surgery and the complications) led to my not seeing him before he passed. I cried it all out, let myself have my feelings, wrote, got reassurance from my family, and slept on it. I plan on visiting his grave when I'm in bucheon in the fall and I'm looking forward to greeting my very first biological family ancestor whom I personally knew.

in more exciting news, I got to experience and witness korean political resistance this week!

I didn't know about jeju's deeply political history until I first met artist jin-me yoon, who is a diasporic korean contemporary artist based in so-called vancouver. I had the fortune of contributing and participating in the creation of one of her more recent works, through facilitating a somatic space for a group of diasporic korean youth. this led to befriending a bunch of diasporic korean youth for the first time in my life, most of whom happen to be queer and politicized. a lot of artist yoon's work connects the parallels of colonialism, militarism, and environmental violence on the west coast of turtle island and korea, which I imagine attracts like-minded folks. she's also an elder (ish, a few years older than my dad) and it's quite special to have someone of an older generation share these politics and approach them with somatics and sounds and art, beyond cognitive intellectualization. you can imagine why she means a lot to me

it was through her that I learned about gangjeong village on jeju island. she had done work there in 2016 to highlight the protests against the US navy base that was eventually built on the sacred geureumbi rock. and only since then, did I start to learn about the other pieces of political history here. and while I knew that she had deep meaningful connections to land, waters, and the peoples of gangjeong village, I was able to make my own way to gangjeong.

I wanted to be in more politicized spaces in korea but also knew that I had to cultivate relationships to be invited into such spaces. and through friends of friends (5 or 6 degrees of separation), I connected with a queer korean who is currently at gangjeong. on wednesday, I made the 2.5 hrs trek on public transit and was able to witness and participate in the daily 인간띠 (human chain) at noon. although the construction of the navy base was completed in 2016 and a lot of the international attention has died down, the people of gangjeong village and their supporters continue to participate in the 인간띠 at the navy base every day except for sundays and holidays.

gosh, did I have all the feelings. wednesday's 인간띠 was special, or at least different than usual because some korean drummers from the mainland had come. we wore 도깨비 garments and marched to the navy base with flags. a few of the folks had traditional percussion instruments (장구, 자바라, 꽹과리) and the rest of us had rice cooker plates and spoons. there was extra singing and dancing, and we even did a round of 강강술레.

I felt such incredible joy and grief. for one, seeing the korean men in their military uniform, in their positions, was hard. of course it's different from when I am standing in front of east asian cops at Indigenous sovereignty actions — difference in degrees of choice and complicity and attitudes and imperialisms —but I also felt similar tensions of... what are you doing here? do you not see yourself at all reflected in us? do you not hear what the land is saying? do you not feel our interconnectedness?

the other part of feels was centered around the ritual. on turtle island, we follow the lead of Indigenous youth at solidarity actions for Indigenous sovereignty, and we witness their ceremonies, songs, and rituals. on wednesday, I experienced a rumbling wave in my body, of "this is what culturally-rooted korean resistance could look like". while I was a little awkward in catching the words of song, and following the unfamiliar moves of dance, I felt both a distance and a coming home as my body and voice just did their thing. I am both a child of diaspora, unknowing of many cultural practices, and I do know korean song and dance in my subconscious body. I am the descendent of my ancestors of 흥 and 한.

after the song and dance in very humid 30-ish degree weather, two of the youth and I went for a dip in the nearby stream in our underwear. I really do miss my nude frolics at so-called wreck beach, but the experiences in water on this land feel oh so different. this dip felt so rejuvenating. 시원했다? 상쾌했다? and while I have previously mentioned the tensions of my being on jejudo as a mainland korean and a westerner participating in tourism, I also know that I do get to feel more of a sense of homey-ness in the waters of korea than anywhere else in the world. (my mom and maternal grandmother's 고향 is in seo-san and tae-ahn, and I'm hoping to go visit those waters in october).

I spent that wednesday afternoon hanging out with the two youth and talking about queerness/bisexuality, compulsory monogamy, anti-imperialism, and queer and hetero dating cultures in korea. the friend made us vegan 볶음우동 and I drank non-dairy 미숙가루 at a cafe run by a local organizer.

that evening, an event was scheduled at jeju city hall in protest of the fukushima nuclear water release and a bunch of the villagers planned on attending. I got to join the 1 hr drive up since my apartment is closer to downtown jeju-si and a beautiful and wild thing happened! I just happened to sit next to tera, artist yoon's friend and main connect to gangjeong. when she asked me how I knew artist yoon, I recognized her face from artist yoon's video, other hauntings (dance). I have watched that video several times on both artist yoon's website and at her exhibition at the vancouver art gallery earlier this year. for the entirety of the hour-long drive, tera and I connected over artist yoon, five rhythms and somatics, anti-imperialism, capitalism and tourism, and connection to land. through several friends of friends, I found the woman in the video!! wow. it felt so magical.

I decided to stick around and check out the protest against the nuclear water release. it was just as I had seen in the pictures of korean protest on the internet. there was a stage and a series of speakers, and folks were sitting and standing around with signs. there were passionate speakers, but there was also singing and dancing! a group of haenyeo 삼춘들 also spoke against the nuclear water release, stating that they will be some of the first people to experience the impacts. and the speakers noted the absurdity of the IAEA's recent announcements, and that we koreans must resist again and again, with a long-term strategy, because japan plans on releasing the nuclear water into the ocean for not one year, but 30 years. they said that we resist not for tomorrow, but for our descendants in the generations to come, 25, 50, 100 years down the line. again, it was such a joy to witness and participate in the chants and song. to hear korean words in korean protest (only some of which I understood but that's not the point).

so much in one day. cole said it sounds like I lived several days in one, haha. it was an eventful day with many feelings! joy, grief, relief, and awe.

I wake up each day in my apartment and look out at my view where I can see the red and blue roofs, as well as the ocean. and I think about all of these relationships that I have been cultivating, and all that I have been experiencing. I often feel awe, thinking, wow, this is my life right now. I'm here, in korea. experiencing all these joys and these griefs. and most importantly, relating. relating to self, ancestors, descendants, peers, queers, land, and waters. I am so grateful for all the privileges, the relationships, and my own desire for connection to ancestry that allowed for this to be my current reality.

some noteworthy moments, mentions & observations from the past week

• loneliness is not familiar company. I mean, it very much used to be, but it hasn’t in a while. living with my family and having many intimate and joyful friendships mean that I usually feel incredibly socially fulfilled and energized. even though for the majority of the pandemic, I had limited in-person interactions with friends, I still had my 3 family members and dog with whom I often hung out. I first want to recognize that there are many sick and disabled folks who still live in the reality of social isolation and home-boundedness due to the ableist pandemic response. most of society has abandoned our immunocompromised and disabled kin for our own abled indulgence. so when I say that I have been feeling more loneliness in my living alone and not having in-person community, I recognize my non-disabled privilege (and in many ways, my participation in ableism) in having had more in-person interactions before coming to jeju island (I do continue to mask in public indoor spaces though I take a grey zone approach to c0vid safety so I do also contribute to collective risk). at the same time, I want to acknowledge - yes, I have been feeling some loneliness in the past couple of weeks. it made me realize the emotional contrast between living alone vs. living with 3 people with whom I get along. I think things are starting to shift, but I want to name my recent realization that wow. living with my family has had the largest influence on my emotional and social well-being in the past few years.

• as for a reason to the emotional shift, I started surfing this week as well! I am committed to learning as much as I can, so I actually got a membership for the duration that I’m in jeju. it’s really fun to learn new ways of being in my body, to play in the water, and to also get to know the few staff members. as I keep saying, I am doing the joy things while rooted in the politicization of my being here. embodying both!